Self-esteem issues

Self-esteem problems, whether accompanied by self-image issues or not, are a theme that cuts across most psychological difficulties.

As Dr. Sue Gerhardt explains in her book Why Love Matters, many people do not experience the type of childhood that provides the foundation for basic confidence in dealing with the world and relating to others. Their earliest relational experiences were often with caregivers who struggled to attune and respond adequately to their needs, unintentionally contributing to insecure attachments.

This is frequently a result of the intergenerational transmission of difficulties in regulating emotions, which in more extreme cases may be linked to transgenerational trauma. Such experiences lead to a profound sense of unworthiness. Without well-developed emotional systems, it becomes challenging to relate flexibly to others. Many people find themselves swinging between extremes—either avoiding dependence altogether or depending on others excessively.

The paradox is that before we can self-regulate and achieve independence—or better yet, interdependence—we must first experience satisfying dependency. However, this idea often feels counterintuitive to adults, who may respond to insecurity with punitive attitudes, as if maturity and self-regulation were simply a matter of willpower. In the words of Laura Perls, the key to a healthy (therapeutic) relationship is to “give as much support as necessary and as little as possible.”

Therapeutic work in response to these struggles involves reconstructing the pathways that have led to a lack of self-esteem. This reconstruction facilitates the co-creation of new relational experiences within the therapeutic context, which can later extend to the broader environment.

Throughout this process, shame often emerges as a persistent companion. To approach it with self-compassion, it is important to first understand that shame is a normal response. It is the brain’s way of dealing with the threat of disconnection, whether through abandonment or isolation. Recognizing shame as an emotion and giving it a name can help create some distance between the feeling and ourselves.

By replacing judgment with curiosity, we can begin to foster a more compassionate and understanding perspective. Being aware of the role of the inner critic is equally essential, as this critical voice often amplifies shame. Reminding ourselves that we are works in progress, navigating life as best we can, helps diminish the hold of self-criticism.

Ultimately, practicing self-kindness means speaking to ourselves as we would a close friend. Reflecting on what actions might support recovery rather than perpetuating the cycle of shame is a constructive step. If we need to correct something, offering ourselves constructive guidance rather than harsh self-criticism can make a significant difference.

Valuing ourselves for who we are—not for what we do or what today’s society deems valuable—is a challenging and often exhausting journey. However, it is a vital task if we wish to create meaningful change in how we love and relate to ourselves and the world.

Psychology within Reach
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Netherlands

Phone +31 30 636 8981 info@psychologywithinreach.com
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